My headline was a joke. Nah. In fact, it was a ridiculous question. You that you haven’t heard about Falz and Banky W, who now am I that you would have heard about me?
How are you doing in the Big Brother Naija house today? Who has kissed you, or better still, who have you kissed? Quick question though… The proudness you saw in Banky W, what colour was it? Or you haven’t heard of colours too? Ok. Don’t worry. It’s fine.
Let me ask you about things that you should have heard of.
Have you heard of Buhari? He’s Nigeria’s president. Or was. No, is. To tell you the truth, on this, I’m just as ignorant as you are. But I know that Professor Yemi Osinbajo is our acting president.
Have you heard about the recession? It’s an economic situation that arises after there’s a fall in a country’s Gross Domestic Product (GDP) falls in two or more successive quarters. Why am I even explaining it to you sef? You must have heard about it.
I hear the sanitary pad women use to stem menstrual flow is now more than three times its price a year ago. Plus, I’m certain the price of skin tone creams would have quadrupled now.
Have you heard about Andrew Yakubu? The man who created an annex of the Central Bank in his native Kaduna state. It is because of the evil deeds of Yakubu and people like him that the clowns who put together the show on which you are constantly letting yourself and your community down on a daily basis have had to take the production to South Africa.
Have you heard of the highest grossing film in Nollywood film history, The Wedding Party? You once said in the house that you wanted to become a Nollywood celeb shey? Good. That same Banky W you had never heard of played the male lead in the film. The film has made over N400 million in cinemas in this recession.
Have you heard of Uncle LieLai Mohammed? You must have. Both of you are serial, pathetic and horrible liars. You people don’t even have to make efforts. And guess what, you are really getting on our nerves now. Both of you have effortlessly turned yourselves into units of national disgrace. And, yours, Gifty, is actually worse.
You have never heard of Falz and Banky W shey? It’s good. They may never hear of you either. And they don’t have to. They have made a success out of their respective careers.
At a point in his career, Falz was the biggest phenomenon on Nigerian Instagram. You, Gifty? You’re the biggest case in an argument about how this Big Brother Naija has been little more than a disgrace to the Nigerian brand.